Being a kid

It's 7 am and I am sitting here at my desk at home doing what I do most mornings, reading emails and catching up on the news. My home office is nothing more than a mahogany desk in front of the dining room window. I am not complaining because I have an incredible view of the sunrise. Sitting here in the morning watching another golden day open up before me is inspiring. The school playground faces my home where I get to hear the playful sounds of children running and playing though out the day.

Another Saturday morning and any time now the SUV's and mini vans will be arriving with children, ready for a full morning of soccer and T-ball. The air will be full of yelling and cheering parents encouraging their sons and daughters on to victory. Hoping they will be the one to win the game. The sound of whistles blowing and hands clapping will bring the day to an end. Some will leave excited and smiling for their moment of victory and others will need their tears wiped away while the promise of an ice cream to ease the pain.

I catch myself smiling and even giggling sometimes when I hear a child laugh. It reminds me of the simpler times of my life, when childhood meant nothing more than hanging out with my friends and finding fun things to do. No worries other than being home when the street lights came on. I miss the days of my youth and wish I had not taken them for granted.

If I could tell the children of today, they should enjoy being a kid and don't wish to grow up so fast. Your days as a child are so short compared to the life you must lead as an adult. Run, jump, laugh, and be silly every chance you can, for time is a thief there to steal your youth away. Don't abandon the child within your heart for that is what keeps you young.

Front porch

As a young man I used to day dream about many things, just fanciful thoughts of how my life would be as I grew older. One day while staring out a window I had the most surreal, unique dream I have ever had. Though I was awake, every moment was so vivid and real, I truly believed as if I was really there.

It was early morning; the spring air was cold and crisp, a thin layer of dew covered the ground waiting for the sun to melt it off. The bright colors of the spring season were beginning to bloom, as if Mother Nature was ready to show off after a long winters nap. Surrounding the yard stood a freshly painted white picket fence with roses climbing and looping around it, the blossoms beginning to peek out, reaching up to seek the sun's warmth, providing the heady fragrance of spring. Butterflies and bumble bees danced from one flower to the next as the garden’s personal caretakers.

An older man somewhere in my 70’s, my hair had grown grayer, my skin now withered and worn. My eyes still bright from the gleam of life still left in me. A hot cup of coffee sat by my side on the round glass covered table and the morning’s newspaper laid in my lap. I leaned back in my favorite white rocker and relaxed for another perfect morning to admire from the front porch of my home.

The children walked past and waved to me on their way to school. Many of the parents did so as well. I smiled as I gestured back at them. Watching the parade of children and their families go by reminded me of my childhood when I walked to school.

A group of boys came along laughing and teasing each other as they approached my yard. I saw the whispers and the mischievous gleams on their faces as they looked over at me as if they were about to do something they knew they shouldn’t. All at once they started running as they dragged their sticks along my newly painted fence. I stood up and started yelling at them to stop and be on their way, all the while smiling and holding back a chuckle.

To my surprise I heard a woman’s voice echo from inside the house to leave the children alone and to stop fussing. In my dream I never saw who called, but her voice was soft and loving with a sweetness that I had cherished for so many years. I spent years listening carefully to everyone I met to see if they were the one that spoke to me in that dream.

The first time I heard your voice I knew it was you that had spoken to me in my dream. Your voice was as soft and caring as I remembered it to be, reassuring of the love that we shared through all the years of our life. Growing old together was to be our fate as we lived out the golden years of our life sitting on that front porch together. Rocking and laughing, but most of all, loving.

First Kiss

It was an incredibly hot and humid day in August, the two of us standing there in the front room of her apartment. The air was stagnant and the room was stifling. The sweet aroma of her perfume was subtle but enticing, like an aphrodisiac drawing me nearer to her. The glow of the sunlight made every curve of her face glisten. I was captivated by the depths of passion I could see in her emerald eyes.

The room grew hotter as we ran out of words to say. I became even more nervous with each bead of sweat that ran down my face and neck. We stood there within the awkward silence between us. We both knew what we wanted to happen, but would it?

Standing there staring at her and wondering if she wanted me as much as I wanted her. I could see the excitement in her eyes as I placed my arms at her sides and pulled her to me. She looked up at me with anticipation as I leaned into her. I panicked, turned my head and hugged her instead, and felt her body go limp with disappointment. I knew at that moment that if I let go, her and I would never be.

I took a deep breath and leaned my head back just enough to look into her eyes. For that brief moment I felt as if I was staring into the eyes of an angel sent to show me what love could be like. I closed my eyes and kissed her. Our hearts are now forged into one love that will make our souls complete.

Placing my hand behind her head I pulled her towards me as I kissed her again. She winced for a moment when I closed my hand within her hair, pulling on it firmly. She moaned with acceptance as our passion became wild and torrid as we dug our nails into each other. Was it pain that we felt or the rush of our love out of control. I embrace her so tightly I worried as if I might hurt her. I relaxed just slightly and felt her pull me closer.

Her kisses were like the first bite of an over ripe peach. As your lips first touch you begin to feel the tenderness of the soft supple skin. Pushing deeper your senses are enthralled with a sweetness that fills your mouth. The warmth and depth of that first taste drives your mind to heights unimaginable. Your heart races and you need to breath but you refuse to pull away, not wanting to waste a single drop. You push in again for another and then another, feeling as if you could never get your fill of her kisses.

Only her kiss could quench this thirsty heart and fill my soul with love.

Means to an end

Every so often we justify our actions by believing that the “ends” out weights the “means”. Using someone’s love to obtain what you want in life is cruel and heartless. If you are unable to love them just for the sake of love then let them go. The broken heart you leave behind once they discover the truth is shattered beyond repair.

Recently I was told that you really never loved me and all I was to you was a “means to an end”. That would explain why you were cruel with your love, mean with your words, and even selfish with your compassion in the end. Just because you couldn’t have what you wanted?

To be nothing more than a “means to an end” so you could outshine all your friends is selfish. Tell me, was I that to you? Having a man who loved you more than any man could ever love a woman wasn’t what you wanted? Why? Who cares what others have, but that's not how you see life. And in the end, you will be left empty and alone.

What goes around comes around and many believe that's what's going to happen to you and me. Karma balances life out in the end. Strange, in spite of how you treated me, I don't wish for you to hurt or suffer. You see, I believe that if you really love someone the way I loved you, then you can never hold a grudge or wish harm to come to them. I loved you for what I saw deep down in your heart, the part of you that is possible of loving just for the sake of love. I hope someday that part is able to shine through. I hope for your sake, that part still exists.

On Bended Knee

I bow down before thee
To pledge my love for all the world to see
I give my heart, my soul, my all
For all of time and eternity
This sword I lay before thee now
To protect thy's life and honor and dignity
My family's bible, it's pages old and worn
So the Lords word to be spoken
In our home and to our family

On bended knee I give to thee
This band of gold as my vow, my promise
That you will always possess
My love and life’s last breath
For all these gifts I give to thee
Are all I have other than my heart
For which you have always been a part.

Rose Petals

Standing there on the edge of the water, the night air crisp and clean with the moon barely lighting the sea, I listened to the waves wash against the shore. The water was especially cold this evening, as it splashed against my bare feet. This spot was special in so many ways, as I came here to think about you and me. I stood there staring out across the moon lit sea, remembering all the moments that my heart held so dear. I had never believed in "love at first site" until we met. Our first kiss sealed my fate as I fell further in love with you. Now I know I could never love anyone else other than you. So many more memories rushed through my mind to the point my heart began to hurt again.

Closing my eyes to fight back the tears, I tried to focus on why I had return to this place. The wind picked up, swirling the sand at my feet, a chill ran up my neck. I shook it off and looked around as if I might find you standing there. Sadly you weren’t, but then again why did I think you would be? Maybe just wishful thinking?

Roses were always special to me because they are so much like you. The petals are like the tenderness of your kisses, the sweet scent reminds me of your perfume, and the thorns are like the pain you have left me with. If you cared for a rose it will last just long enough for love to blossom, but in the end all you will have is thorns, leaving you scarred and scorned.

Holding a single red rose just for you tonight. Smelling its sweet scent and feeling the velvet petals across my cheek it reminds me of your last soft kiss. I tore a petal off and let it drop into the water, watching the waves take it out to sea. Strange how calm I feel at this moment and after all the hurt and tears you put me through. I pulled several more petals off and slowly let them fall from my hand, staring down at them trying not to care anymore, but my effort was still in vain. I looked up at the stars, seeking answers and yelled out your name as I threw the rose out to sea. Trying to let go of the pain and the memory of you and me.

A Whisper

We laid there next to each other, holding on so very tight. For a few minutes time stood still for us. Your arms wrapped around me, as I held myself up to kiss you. Tenderly with intention I leaned over to kiss you. I felt you push up to meet my lips, eager to embrace the moment. Your lips were soft, supple, and moist, like no other kiss would ever be this good. I closed my eyes and the world disappeared from us, drowned out by the beating of our hearts. My mind began to spin as if we were both floating together, free from everything. You were breathless as I pulled away to stare into your eyes watching the tears roll down your checks. We both knew that this moment was meant to be only for us. I leaned over and pull you close to me as I whispered in your ear “I have waited my whole life to find you, I love you”.

To be Free

Standing here in the rain
Are those tears or just more pain
A soul mate love will always last
Even apart the bond will never pass
I can’t move on when your heart won’t let go
We walked away to meet another day
Our time has come to an end
Then why won’t our hearts begin to mend
Why does your heart still hold on
When our love went so wrong
Let me go so I can move on
For another time or another life
Our hearts and souls will still hold tight
Let me be and set me free.

I loved you before, I loved you

She was just a dream one day. So vivid that I knew I would love her before I even knew her. Every detail of her would be perfect, the curve of her face, the softness of her smile, and even the brightness of her eyes. The tone of her voice would be soft like the summer wind. She held me with a tender embrace that no one could ever replace.

Though out my life I looked for the women I called “Bright Eyes” from my dream. I knew she was out there, somewhere, waiting for me to find. The days and years flew by and I stopped looking for her, remembering she was only a dream, a young man’s wishful fantasy.

A simple moment, an opening of a door, a twist of fate, and there she stood like so many times before. It was her, the one I had been waiting for. I knew from the moment I saw her, she was the one from my dream. I tried to speak but the words would not come, all I could do is stand there in disbelief.

Time moved on and so did we, maybe we were not meant to be. I will remember that fateful day of our first kiss. Our short lived lives were full of bliss. The laughter, the smiles, and even the tears will never be replaced by the passing years.

So today I will close my eyes, try not to cry, make a wish and say goodbye. Someday I hope to meet again, because….I loved you before, I loved you.

A tear drop

I had a dream last night and it seemed so real. I was standing at the train station watching you board a train. This time it was different from all the other times you left me, you would not be coming back. A sense of fear and pain over whelmed me, as if I knew something terrible was about to happen. I tried to yell, then even louder, but we all know that in dreams no one ever hears you scream. I begged and pleaded you not to go, but you never looked at me. As the train pulled away I stood there knowing that this moment would be our last. I tried not to cry, I fought the urge so gallantly, but a single tear fell down my cheek. I know it was only a dream but it all seemed so real. I awoke to discover a single tear drop on my pillow. It was only a dream?

Trying to Let Go

It doesn't matter who I offended, just the fact that someone didn't want me expressing my feelings (for her). There are always those who feel the need to be bitter and angry. They truly only know half of the story and that is probably tainted with half truths anyway. I have no need to either defend myself or explain my side of the story to them. Many things that happen in our lives with those that we love are never shared with those around us. Some of the good times and the bad times are things we keep to ourselves. Mostly to preserve our hearts and memories. I will not lower myself to respond to their insults and accusations.

It has been over a year and I needed a way to find a way to let go. Writing was the only way that gave me any comfort. I didn’t think I was hurting anyone. I thought by sharing loving and caring thoughts I had for her, would be a way everyone could know how much I did and still love her. Trying to work out my feelings of guilt and sorrow should not be something I need to apologize for.

Sweethearts Day

Valentine’s Day is the day set aside for lovers. It is the day you to tell the one you love how much you “do” love them. A day to celebrate and enjoy the true meaning of love. I believed that if you really love the one you’re with then every day should be Valentine’s Day. Take time each day to look deeply into their eyes and tell them you love them. Thank the stars for putting them into your life. Whatever it is about them that make your toes curl let them know. Time passes by too fast and life will get in the way and before you know it you will be standing there by yourself, wishing you had told them how much you do love them.

Another Birthday

Like so many years past, we shared her birthday together. It was filled with laughter, smiles, and happiness. Love was the theme of her special day. When her birthday recently came and went, I found myself quietly sadden. To me, celebrating her birthday was to say thank you to the world for bringing her into my life.

A New Year

New Year's Eve, strange how that really sets the stage as far as starting a new year off. I was really in love this time, she is my soul mate. A chance to have the kind of love I always dreamed of. I didn't know what the future had in store for us and we both knew the road ahead would be difficult and bumpy. We began our journey together, that faithful night, anyways. Hold on for the ride of your life. Love and life are at the wheel of our hearts.